Picture this: A girl (me!) lies in bed watching Netflix. Cheeto crumbs cover her chest and neon-orange dust-slime coats her fingertips. Just out of her reach are the Lovelife Flex Kegel Weights in their little satin bag. She half-heartedly half-lifts her arm up, reaching for them in sluggish consideration. Alas, with a defeated sigh, that undetermined arm flops right back down as she resumes her nature documentary. Congratulations! You’ve just witnessed my feelings towards pelvic-floor strengthening, AKA kegel exercises.
I am a massively lazy kegeler. In theory, I would absolutely love to strengthen my pelvic floor. In a perfect world I would do my kegels once a day, strengthening those muscles to reduce trampoline-induced pee leakage and work towards stronger orgasms. However, I am human, and life, scatterbrain, and blatant laziness get in the way of fit and toned vagina muscles.
I thought I would try and change that with some motivating kegel weights, and Naughty Playtime was ever so kind to help out. The OhMiBod Lovelife Flex Kegel Weights are fucking adorable. Each is shaped like a little fuchsia heart and covered in silky silicone. Even the box they come in is pretty cute and has a quality feel to it, patterned with pink and white waves in typical OhMiBod fashion. Inside, a little booklet gives you a small spot of information about how to use the product, and the whole thing comes with a satin “privacy pouch”.
Unfortunately, these guys aren’t nearly as functional as they are cute. Two get stuck inside me, and are actually difficult to remove, which I think defeats the entire purpose of kegel weights. The whole point is to struggle a bit to keep them in your vagina, not to struggle a lot to take them out. My difficulty removing them actually sent me into worry and caused me to schedule a physical therapy appointment for my poor lil’ pelvic floor, so I suppose thank you, Lovelife Flex Kegel Weights, for making me learn more about my body… but you’re still not very good.
The beginner weight (35 grams) has a 1.4” diameter, and is the only weight in the set with a smaller jiggly ball within it instead of a solid core. I naturally tried this one first, and in that attempt, pulled it out within a minute due to discomfort. This one is the largest in the set, and I think it ended up getting hooked behind my pubic bone, so removal was extra difficult, and I had to give a long firm tug to actually get it out. I actually think I worked out my arm muscles more getting it out than I did my pelvic floor muscles holding it in.
The intermediate weight (45 grams) has a 1.1” diameter, and also got stuck up there. I’ve witnessed the wonders of butt-vacuums but I guess my vagina has a bit of a vacuum of it’s own. I can definitely feel it in there, and this one is fairly comfortable, but it needs to be firmly yanked to get it out, which again defeats the whole purpose of the weight.
The advanced weight (85 grams) has two connected hearts each with a 1.1” diameter. This one prompts the opposite reaction from my vagina. While the other two are sucked in, these are pushed out. They are also super duper uncomfortable, and make me feel like I just shoved two rocks up there. After lubing them up and cramming them in, I tried my best to clench and keep those suckers in , but to no avail. They come barreling right out and presto! I’ve given birth to a pair of conjoined twin hearts. Great.
So that would be why that half-hearted half-lifted arm flops down so fast. The Lovelife Flex Kegel Set, while adorable, simply doesn’t work. Two pieces are too light, while one is far too heavy. It would be great to see OhMiBod redo these to have smaller sizes and a smoother escalation in weights. Since I haven’t yet tried any other kegel weights, I asked twitter to throw a recommendation my way. @twxtmynethers suggested the Je Joue Ami kegel weight set. They’re a bit heavier (47, 78, and 106 grams), and get smaller as the weights increase. They’ve also each got the jiggly inner ball. A Roll in The Hay (where I got this information) has a splendid review here, so give that a read if you’re looking for a better alternative! Perhaps I’ll try more kegel exercisers in the future, but until then, it’s back to Cheetos and Animal Planet.