A Couple’s Guide To Dating Site Threesome Etiquette

So you’ve decided you want to have a threesome. You’ve talked with your partner about boundaries, safer sex protocols, wants, and needs. Now you’re staring at your screen trying to figure out how to craft the perfect dating site profile for a couple in search of a fabled unicorn. Perhaps you’ve already been clicking around OkCupid, swiping on Tinder, or perusing My Sex Hookups. Maybe you are the fabled unicorn and you’re sick and tired of rolling your eyes at these less-than-polite couples.

The Unicorn Debacle

In threesomes, a “unicorn” typically refers to a single, bisexual woman happy to join a male/female couple for no-strings-attached sexytime fun. I personally use the term to refer to anyone of any gender looking for a couple to threesome with. Some people are happy to self-identify as unicorns (because how magical does that sound?!), but the term loses it’s glittery charm when one examines how these individuals are frequently treated. More often than not, couples using the word are more interested in prioritizing their own pleasure and enjoyment over that of their new pal. This person exists in their world to come into their bedroom, entertain them, and then leave. It sounds drastic, and perhaps you’re thinking “oh, that’s not me”, but rest assured, my friend; it happens.

While this phenomenon is especially common to heterosexual couples, it most certainly isn’t exclusive to them. Couples and threesomes come in all sorts of combinations of genders, and they all have the opportunity to be equally disrespectful towards a third person. Whatever the composition of gender and genitals in your relationship, here are some guidelines to help you be a respectful and positive threesomer when navigating dating sites.

Remember That Everyone Involved is a Human Being

Take a step back from your ménage à trois endeavors for a moment and ask yourself why you’re wanting to have a threesome and whose pleasure and comfort is important to you. If the answer isn’t “all three involved”, then it’s time to reevaluate. This third person is not a toy for you and a partner to play with. This isn’t about bonding with your lover over boning another person together (although sure, bonding may be a bonus), and it isn’t about giving your partner a person as a present for any sort of holiday. A threesome is three people who each want to give and experience pleasure with one another.

Being respectful starts with not treating the third person as a toy and continues into everything relating to threesomes. Even the language you use is important. I once had a couple message me asking if they could “steal” me from my partner for the night, and when I politely declined, they responded by pointing out that if they found another girl I could be a fourth instead, even though my profile clearly stated I was interested in finding another person to be friends with benefits with my partner and I, not joining someone else.

Rude, right?

Avoid phrases like “borrow you”, or “hunting for”. Whatever site you’re on is not a library for pussy and dick, and your phone or computer  is not a genital library card. If you’re using terms like this, you might already have some thoughts about what threesomes may mean to you. If this applies to you, I encourage you to step back and examine those thoughts before pursuing a threesome.

You’re a human too, so show your personality. While it may be tempting to take some shortcuts and use a copy and pasted message to all potential interests, don’t. Talk about things other than sex, be personable, and show interest in the person, not just their potential role in your bedroom.

Don’t Be Misleading

One of the most common mistakes of navigating dating sites as a couple is a poorly constructed profile. Often, the pair opts to use separate profiles, which in theory could be totally fine. Too often, though, they do so without disclosing their intentions of threesoming. So someone looking for one-on-one interactions happens along the profile, thinks they are talking to someone similarly interested in only them, and puts in the flirting and the work only to be thrown the curveball “My boyfriend wants to watch ;)” after a date is set up. This is shady and dishonest. Don’t be That Person.

Understandably, some people don’t want their faces out there in this judgmental ol’ world attached to the phrase “Hey I’m looking for a threesome!”, but that isn’t an excuse to be shady. Privacy is important, yes, but understand that you’ll have far fewer matches or responses with the phrase “young fit professionals” in lieu of photos. If you must avoid either photos or a bio, one has to make up for the other. I suggest providing photos showing both of you with an ambiguous bio, or a detailed bio with the offer to send pictures privately.

Set Clear Intentions

From the very start, someone browsing your profile or profiles should be able to quickly discern that you’re a package deal. This is as basic as using a photo of the two of you together as the first photo, or if you have separate dating site pages, linking to the other’s profile. Take communication a step further by including exactly what you’re looking for in your bio, whether that is an adventurous pal for a one-time deal or more of a friends with benefits situation.

If you’re unsure a threesome is right for your relationship and are just looking for a third person to sext or fantasize with, communicate that. When talking about threesome dating etiquette, a friend mentioned how sometimes she’d find a couple she was interested in, only to have them string her along and never really plan anything. She felt they just used her for their fantasies and wasted her time. It’s okay to just want to fantasize, but find someone with similar intentions.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

When addressing a singular person, it’s easy to get the whole story, but talking to two individuals at once can be confusing, not to mention nerve-wracking in a situation where everyone needs to be on the same page. Make things clearer by letting your new pal know which half they’re talking to when messaging. I even recommend moving the conversation to a group chat so everyone is involved and it’s clear who is speaking. 

Read Bios

Possibly the easiest and most overlooked way to not be a jerk is to simply pay attention to what people write. Often on their profiles, people say “no threesomes”. If you happen upon one, don’t swipe right. Don’t send them a message. Respect their desires. Your flawless dick or perfect set of tits is not going to change their mind, especially when you blatantly ignore a key point they’ve chosen to communicate.

Navigating dating sites as a couple is challenging. There’s no perfect formula to find someone and no magic milkshake to bring all the boys to the yard. No matter if you’re in search of a sexting buddy or a fuck pal, Step one to finding a great person to have fun with is to craft a clear profile and get (respectfully) chatting.

Thank you to mysexhookups.com for sponsoring this post!

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