I am terrible at holidays. Every year, the day of Halloween, my partner and I find ourselves planning our costumes about two hours before we’re supposed to be wherever we’re supposed to be. Every October 31st, we swear that next year will be the one where we plan our adorable couple-coordinated outfits months in advance. We’ll be so prepared. Just you wait.
Yet every year, we find ourselves at the thrift store at 6 pm wondering why we waited until the last minute again.
If you’re anything like me and in a last minute panic for a thrown-together sex-positive costume, I’ve got you covered. As per usual, I thought of these last year about two days after Halloween, and I’ve been holding onto it ever since (I’m a Capricorn). These little treasures will take all of ten minutes to throw together, and you probably already have everything needed.
Want to be goofy? Be a condom.
Want to look slightly ridiculous while campaigning for safer sex practices? Get yourself two jumbo trash bags, tape, paper, and some markers. Now, roll up the edges of one trash bag to make it look like a rolled-up condom. Cut arm and head holes in the other trash bag, then tape the rolled-up trash bag in the arm-hole trash bag. Decorate with markers or paint, and be sure to write something akin to “condom” so folks can identify what you are. Be a little extra if you want and print out an entire poster of a condom wrapper to tape to yourself. Congratulations, you’re now looking quite goofy and are probably a little sweaty, but hey, it’s hilarious.
Want to be educational? Be the trans umbrella.
Want a costume that is easy, functional (if its raining), and educational? Then you should be the trans (or asexual, pansexual, queer, etc) umbrella! You’ll need: an umbrella, some string, paper, markers, and scissors. First, make a list of terms to hang under your umbrella. For example, identity terms falling under trans could be transfeminine, transmasculine, demiboy, demigirl, nonbinary, and more. Pick the overarching theme nearest and dearest to your queer little heart. Then, cut those babies out of paper, string ’em up, and be prepared to exhaustively explain your costume over and over again.
Want to be daring? Be a sex toy store.
Do you have an ample collection of body-safe, sterilizable sex toys? How about some tape? An apron? Toolbelt? Coat with lots of pockets? Time to attach your menagerie of genital stimulators all over your body for everyone to see (Yes, that is a Pure Wand turned into a necklace and an entire Doxy strapped to my leg). Get extra creative by attaching price tags. Bonus points for handing out sample lube packets or actually selling one of your pre-loved treasures.
Want to be scary? Be the heteronormative gender binary.
Now, unlike the premise of this costume, the actual outfit can go more than one way. Either dress half conventionally feminine (think lipstick and pink) and half conventionally masculine (think facial hair and a baseball cap), or recruit a partner to dress one part or the other. Hold hands to show that your heterosexual cisgender love is the only kind that exists.
Want to be sexy? Be a dominatrix.
If you play a toppy role in the bedroom, chances are you may already have a whole host of sexy latex or leather. Grab some cuffs or a whip, and presto: you have a “costume” that you totally “don’t” wear for “things”.
So there you have it, five sub-par last-minute half-assed Halloween costumes. If all else fails, you can always throw some glitter on and call yourself a fairy or get all dapper in a tie and suitcase to be capitalist corporate america. As for me, I’d rather be covered in duct tape and dildos. Happy Halloween!