These past few weeks I got to play with a Sybian. I had chattered about it to my friends for months, thrilled to use this famous toy. I invited my friends to try it, and fantasized about the ways I could use it: positions, rope, threesome configurations. I had great ideas for the accompanying posts (one of which involved morphsuits and acro yoga), and overall big dreams for this little machine. However, after all the fanciful plans and aspirations, I only got to use it a handful of times.
Life kicks you in the butt sometimes, doesn’t it? In your head I’m probably just some rando internet character who only exists in sexy cyberspace, but I assure you, my friend, I am a real live human being with a real-live life. I am currently teetering on the edge of an undergraduate degree and Finding A Job. I am in the midst of final exams I have no motivation for, with no idea what I will be doing or where I will be come May. Every morning it gets a little harder to get my ass out of bed and move sluggishly through my molasses-saturated world.
Also, if you couldn’t tell from that last sentence, I’m depressed.
This chance to play with a Sybian was supposed to be an exciting learning and sharing experience. I contemplated throwing my first play party (although that was before I realized I don’t have enough down-to-orgy sex posi friends in real life to invite to my tiny-ass apartment). Instead, this majestic giant vibrator simply stared at me from the corner of my room until I had to throw a blanket over it because the landlord toured my apartment. Awkward.
So, what happened?
I got a cold, I got sad, I lost energy and sex drive, I got consumed in assignments and my other two jobs and scrambling to arrange next semester’s big project and get into a permaculture class. I didn’t eat enough or drink enough water. I didn’t write blog posts that I desperately needed to write. I am overwhelmed, tired, and burnt out.
As I pack the beautiful Ruby Red (the name of this traveling Sybian!) into her ugly brown box, I’m getting pretty angry. Angry at myself for not making the most of this time, and even more angry at the general concept of academia and accessibility and job scarcity (don’t get me started). But more generally, I’m afraid. If I didn’t get to enjoy the Sybian, something I hyped myself up for for weeks, what other everyday pleasures am I missing out on? What other opportunities have passed me by? It sucks to realize how little I get to do the things that make me happy, like having my junk jiggled on a giant ride-on vibrator, but also crafting and cooking and tying myself up and having sex and, I don’t know, taking a moment to breathe and watch birds or pet a goat or something.
I wish I could say it were my own fault for not making enough time for myself, but between school and work and depression and dumb things like grocery shopping or showering, I don’t even have time to make time for myself.
But hey, this won’t last forever, right? I refuse to live like this forever. Someday I’ll have time to knit socks and ride Sybians and bake cookies, dammit. People say college years are the best of your life, but to that I say absofruitly not. My life is going to be totally awesome. I’m going to have super cool sex-posi orgy friends and be a bomb-ass sex educator and keep chickens and put glitter on stuff, so fuck you, depression. Fuck you, academia. Fuck you, minimum wage and exorbitant rent. Someday I’ll probably ride a hundred Sybians or something! (well, probably not, but you get the idea). It won’t be like this forever. I won’t let it.
Thank you to Bunny and Sybian for providing me with the opportunity to borrow Ruby Red the #travelingsybian through Sex Geek Summer Camp. I can’t wait to try it again in the future when life is a little less bananas.