Mid-Fuck Fuckups: 4 Mini Embarrassing Sex Stories

Once upon a time I was makin’ out. We were holding one another tightly, lying on the bed. Hands were roaming, lips were gasping for air. I was on top of him, grinding away like there was no tomorrow. Everything was passionate and hot and sexy. Then, in an attempt to sexily shift a leg over, I accidentally kneed him in the balls.

Oops.

Once upon a time I had a butt plug, the Fun Factory Bootie to be exact. I was living in a college dorm, and my sneaky sex toy washing strategy was to hide the toys in my shower caddy and wash them in the shower when I was cleaning my own body anyway. I no longer have that particular plug because one day it just vanished. I’m not sure if I left it in the shower or dropped it on the way to the bathroom, but somehow someone probably ended up shocked to find my beloved butt plug on the floor somewhere. Rest In Peace, Bootie.

Once upon a time in high school, I thought it would be a good idea to have my boyfriend over to have sex in a bed for once (This was during a period of my life where sex only existed in a car parked somewhere slightly off the road). Everything was well and good until we heard a car pull into the driveway. We rushed to put our clothes back on, and my boyfriend made it down the stairs just as my mom came through the door. As she put two and two together with a horrified and enraged look on her face, he innocently asked her if she wanted any help carrying her groceries in. She did not.

This last tale is once again from days of college dorm rooms. Picture the scene: a darkened room with a candle burning in the window (this is important), my partner tied to a chair, sex toys strewn about, steam on the window, the sounds of smacks echoing in the tiny room… until we hear the sound of knocking at the door. I assume it’s my roommate, so in no rush, I pause sucking dick for a moment to yell “can you come back in a bit?”, but it’s not my roommate. It’s the director of the building, and she’s not happy. We hurriedly dress and run around the room trying to hide all the sex things, and with lube still gracing my now clothed thighs and my bum still burning from the slaps, I open the door to be lectured about that stupid illegal candle.

Sometimes, I get cum in my eyes.

Sometimes, we bump teeth.

Sometimes, we’re sick, but we still make out with runny noses and get boogers in our mouths and sniffle and have to pause for tissues.

These stories are amusing, but even more importantly, they’re a lesson. One big reason I started Squeaky Bedsprings was to destroy the idea that sex has to be flawless and perfect and hot 100% of the time. Sex is so much more than silk sheets and lacey lingerie. It’s messy and goofy and you can smile and giggle and fart and it’s okay. It’s taking a break to untangle your bondage kit. It’s asking your hookup “do you want a snack?” too many times because you’re nervous and want them to be comfy and one of your love languages is feeding people. Sex can be awkward, and that awkwardness is so beautiful and pure and human and I just absolutely love it.

So tell me your embarrassing awkward beautiful sex stories! Leave them in the comments, tweet me @Squeaky_springs or send a carrier pigeon. I’d love to hear about the time you fell off the bed or where you spilled lube or that time you got a yeast infection from someone giving you oral after drinking whipped cream flavored vodka (true story. I do not recommend). Just make sure to be careful not to knee anyone in the balls.

This post in all its clumsy glory was sponsored by Dear Lady. Thank you Dear Lady!

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